Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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