i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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