As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
