Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
