I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
