Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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