I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
