Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
