my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
