I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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