3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize