he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
