Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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