Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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