she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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