im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
