Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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