Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
