oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
