i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
