Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
