I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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