Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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