I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
