i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize