my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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