Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
