So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
