I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
