I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
