you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
