I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
