just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
