I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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