My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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