Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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