Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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