Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
