I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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