Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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