he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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