I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
