why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
