I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
