Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
