my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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