where are you?
Hypothermia
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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