she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
