fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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