i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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