he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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