This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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