im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
