I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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