im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
